Are you being too vulnerable?

How constantly sharing your struggles with your team can backfire

When I first became an Engineering Manager during the pandemic, I learned something new: How to be vulnerable.

It wasn’t easy sharing my own struggles. But I saw that it helped build trust. It helped connect with the team better. It felt like the natural thing to do.

But I started seeing the side effects as well.

One day, a senior engineer on my team hesitated before bringing up an issue. “I didn’t want to add to your stress.”

Oops. My vulnerability had backfired. Instead of making my team feel safe, I had made them feel like they needed to protect me. That’s when I realized that vulnerability is powerful but only when used wisely.

Here’s what I wish I had known earlier about the dark side of being vulnerable.

1. Vulnerability Without Strength Undermines Leadership

Imagine you’re in a team meeting, and your manager says, “Honestly, I have no idea how we’re going to hit this deadline. I’m really stressed, and I feel completely overwhelmed.”

How does that make you feel? Inspired? Reassured? Probably not.

Being open about challenges is great. But vulnerability without a sense of direction can make you seem unsteady. Your team looks to you for confidence and clarity. If vulnerability is the only thing you show, it can make them question whether you’re capable of leading them through tough situations.

Do this instead →
Combine vulnerability with action. If you share a challenge, also share what you’re doing about it. “I know this deadline is tight, and I’m feeling the pressure too. Here’s what we can do to stay on track.”

2. Over-Sharing Can Be Emotionally Draining

Early in my management journey, I found myself constantly talking about my struggles. Especially about my imposter syndrome. It felt honest, even cathartic.

But constantly putting your emotions on display can also leave you feeling exposed and drained. If you rely too much on your team for emotional support, it can blur the lines between personal and professional relationships in an unhealthy way.

Do this instead →
Choose your moments and your audience carefully. Don’t make every work interaction an emotional unloading session. Seek support from mentors, coaches, or trusted peers, not your team.

3. The Wrong People Might Use It Against You

A friend of mine, a brilliant engineer, once opened up to his skip-level manager about how a breakup was affecting his work. A month later, he was back on track, delivering at full capacity.

Six months later, he was up for promotion. His skip-level rejected it, citing that old conversation. “He said it himself that personal issues affected his performance.”

That’s when I realized: Not everyone values vulnerability the same way. Some will appreciate your openness. Others might see it as a weakness or worse, an opportunity.

Do this instead →
Be strategic with who your be vulnerable to. Just because someone listens doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart.

4. Too Much Vulnerability Can Create Anxiety in Others

Leaders set the emotional tone for their teams. If you’re constantly talking about your struggles, doubts, or uncertainties, it can create unease instead of connection.

This one time, before a meeting with an important stakeholder, I told this to a couple of my team members, “I feel intimidated by this stakeholder. I hope I can negotiate with them about the scope.”

I was probably looking for some morale boost from the team. “No, we think you got this.”

But as a team member, that may cause more anxiety. They may worry for you and themselves.

Do this instead →
Think of the impact on others of sharing something. Vulnerability should create psychological safety, not anxiety. Reframe to have the desired effect - “I feel intimidated by this stakeholder, but I also feel confident on the data I have.”

5. You Risk Being Defined by Your Struggles

If every conversation revolves around your vulnerabilities, people will start to associate you more with your struggles than your strengths.

“Oh, my manager is always cribbing about his challenges.”

Yes, it’s important to acknowledge difficulties. But if your narrative becomes only about the hardships, you risk being seen as someone who is stuck rather than someone who overcomes.

Do this instead →
Balance your story. Share your struggles, but also highlight your resilience, growth, and lessons learned. Vulnerability should be a chapter in your story, not the entire book.

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Striking the Right Balance

So, what’s the right way to be vulnerable?

1. Be Selective – Not every audience deserves your full story. Share with those who’ve earned your trust.

2. Pair It With Strength – If you reveal a struggle, also share your plan to address it.

3. Time It Well – Vulnerability is powerful after you’ve gained credibility, not before.

4. Protect Your Energy – Don’t turn every conversation into therapy. Seek support in the right places.

5. Know Your Boundaries – It’s okay to be open, but you don’t have to share everything.

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Wrapping It Up

Vulnerability can be a superpower, if used well. But like any tool, it works best when practiced with intention.

So be real. Be open. But also be mindful. Because when vulnerability is balanced with strength, people will trust you as a leader. it can not only help you create connection but earn respect.

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