Stop being so nice

It's making you a worse engineering manager.

Mar 13, 2025

It feels wrong to say, doesn’t it? We’re so conditioned to be nice. To be agreeable. To be liked.

But in leadership, “nice” can be a trap.

Being nice means actively trying to please everyone. As an EM, it means avoiding conflict, delaying decisions, and prioritizing popularity over impact.

And it’s hurting your team.

The Real Cost of Being Nice

Being nice for the sake of being liked means:

You hesitate to challenge bad ideas.
You delay tough calls to keep everyone happy.
You accept subpar work to avoid discomfort.

At first, it seems harmless. Your team likes you. They appreciate your positivity. You get good engagement survey scores.

But over time, it affects your ability to deliver.

You accept mediocre work and it becomes the new normal.
You absorb everyone’s problems instead of pushing them to solve their own.
You say “yes” to everything, which means you stand for nothing.

Your team feels this. Your peers feel this. And eventually, your leadership will see it too.

I Learned This The Hard Way

Early in my management career, a team member showed me a draft of his decision record document. It wasn’t good, but instead of giving real feedback, I defaulted to praise:

“This is great! Awesome job!”

I thought I was encouraging them. But when someone outside our team spotted the flaws, my team member felt terrible.

By accepting mediocre work, I set that as the bar. And guess what? The next document my team wrote was even worse.

So, by being nice I was actually failing them. I wasn’t helping them grow. I wasn’t showing them what great looks like. I was prioritizing my own comfort over their improvement.

When you focus on being nice, what you’re really saying is: “Your perception of me matters more to me than your needs.” It is a selfish thing to do.

But Being Nice Has Worked for Years!

No, it hasn’t.

Yes, many managers got away appearing effective without actually being effective. They were liked by their teams. They got high engagement scores. They were even rewarded for it.

But that was because the market was great. Tech companies were booming. Inefficiencies didn’t matter as much.

Having trouble getting people to deliver? Just hire more.
Team not aligned? Run another meeting.
Didn’t push back on bad features? No worries, plenty of budget to absorb the waste.

But now? The market has shifted. Companies are realizing that these managers:

Struggle to ruthlessly prioritize.
Can’t pivot their teams quickly.
Avoid holding people accountable.

In other words, they aren’t doing their jobs well.

Why Do Managers Fall Into This Trap?

“Being nice” isn’t always a conscious decision. It’s the path of least resistance. It’s just easier.

It’s easier to let things slide than to give hard feedback.
It’s easier to absorb problems than to push your team to solve them.
It’s easier to agree with stakeholders than to push back.

And let’s be honest: being nice feels good. It’s a quick dopamine hit. You avoid discomfort. You maintain harmony. You think “Wow, everyone just loves working with me!” 😎

But leadership isn’t about comfort. It’s about clarity, decisiveness, and accountability.

Stop Being Nice

Now I’m not suggesting to be rude, disrespectful or obnoxious. What I’m saying is to stop focusing on being nice all the time. Stop thinking whether you’ll be liked or not for doing certain things.

If you’re not sure if you’re over-prioritizing being nice, ask yourself these five questions:

1. Are you tolerating mediocre work instead of addressing it?

You see work that isn’t up to standard, but instead of calling it out, you stay silent. You are hoping the team would figure it out themselves. And they don’t.

Fix it: Pick one recent deliverable that didn’t meet your bar. Give clear, direct feedback on how to improve it. Raise the standard.

2. When was the last time you gave tough, constructive feedback?

Do you let behaviors slide because they’re uncomfortable to address? The senior engineer who makes fun of the users. The junior who only does the bare minimum.

Fix it: Use the SBI framework (Situation-Behavior-Impact) to bring it to their attention. Feedback isn’t criticism, it’s a tool for growth.

3. Do you take on your team’s problems instead of coaching them through it?

When a team member brings you an issue, do you absorb it? Do you feel guilty and apologize, even when it’s out of your control?

Fix it: Acknowledge the issue, then ask, “What do you think we should do?” Don’t let them bring the same problems over and over, especially ones beyond your control, like “the economy.”

4. When was the last time you pushed back on a stakeholder’s request?

When multiple stakeholders demand things, do you nod along, agreeing to everything just to avoid escalation?

Fix it: Be upfront about priorities and constraints. Escalations are okay. They help you make misalignments visible.

5. When a low performer was laid off, were you relieved you didn’t have to address it?

I recently heard a manager say they were glad a layoff saved them from having a tough performance conversation. That’s a failure of leadership.

Fix it: If someone isn’t meeting expectations, tell them now. They deserve to know where they stand. Don’t hope for layoffs to take care of it for you.

Wrapping It Up

Being a great manager doesn’t mean being liked all the time.

It means making tough decisions. Holding a strong direction. Pushing your team to grow, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Stop being so nice.

Be kind, be fair, and be clear. But above all, be a good leader.

Diary of an Engineering Manager

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