Listen, we are not a family

If a team is a family, what does that make you as an Engineering Manager?

On my first day at work in Chicago, my manager greeted me with a warm smile:

“Welcome! Get comfortable. We’re like a family here.”

Those words felt like a hug. As someone new to the US, looking for belonging, I fell for it instantly. I imagined team picnics at the park, late-night pep talks, and shared responsibilities. A place where work felt personal, where we lifted each other up no matter what.

Reality hit fast.

Within months, I found myself working late nights and weekends for “urgent” releases. I covered for a colleague who missed deadlines. After all we are a family, right? Then came the moment that shattered the illusion completely: my layoff. 😱

Would my real family do that to me? Would any family?

Nope.

The Whole “We Are a Family” is a Lie

The concept of family simply doesn’t work in a company. In fact, it’s dangerous. Here’s why:

1. It creates a false sense of security

Teams reorganize. People leave for better opportunities. People are let go. Family, on the other hand, is (mostly) permanent. You don’t fire your brother because he bombed his wedding speech.

2. It sets unhealthy expectations without boundaries

A friend of mine travels 100 km every weekend to care for his bedridden father. Because that’s what family does. But expecting people to sacrifice their well-being for the company leads to burnout and resentment.

3. It gives a free pass to toxicity

The “family” mindset often excuses poor performance and bad behavior in the name of loyalty. You tolerate your radical uncle at family gatherings. You shouldn’t have to tolerate toxic teammates at work.

We Are NOT a Family

Now, as an Engineering Manager, I make one thing clear: We are NOT a family.

We are a team. We are a group of people working together on a common goal. We have a job to do. We have targets to meet. Sure, we care for and respect each other. But we also challenge ourselves to do our best work.

If a manager is saying, “We’re like a family,” it’s a red flag. What are they avoiding? What are they trying to cover up? Likely one of these:

🚩 1. Avoiding Tough Conversations

It’s easier to say, “We’re all in this together,” than to address performance issues, competing priorities, or company challenges head-on.

🚩 2. Papering Over Bad Planning

If leadership repeatedly fails to set realistic deadlines or manage workloads, the “family” excuse becomes a tool to guilt-trip employees into working longer hours.

🚩 3. Skipping the Work of Real Leadership

Creating a high-performing culture takes time and effort. Calling your team a “family” is an emotional shortcut that avoids doing the real work.

🚩 4. Forcing Loyalty Instead of Earning It

Instead of building an environment where people want to stay, some managers lean on guilt and obligation to prevent them from leaving.

Focus on Building a High-Performance Team

A great Engineering Manager doesn’t use the family rhetoric to build trust or inspire commitment. Instead, they create an environment where engineers feel valued, challenged, and supported.

Here’s how you can reframe “family” talk into real leadership:

Example 1: You need an engineer to take on a difficult project.

❌ “I know this is a tough project, but I need someone to do it. Will you do it for me please?”
✅ “I know this is a challenging project, but I think this will help you grow X skills and improve visibility. I’m here to support you with whatever you need to succeed.”

Example 2: An engineer repeatedly misses deadlines.

❌ “Come on man, don’t let us all down.”
✅ “I see you missed the deadline on the last two projects. What’s blocking you? How can we adjust expectations or support you better?”

Example 3: A major incident.

❌ “We have an incident. Everyone please stay online.”
✅ “There’s an incident and our on-call engineer is handling this. If they need backup, they’ll page the secondary.”

Example 4: An engineer moving on to another job.

❌ “Come on, are you really gonna leave us?”
✅ “I’m happy you found a great opportunity. Let’s make the most of your time here. If you have feedback for the team or me, I’d love to hear it. Let’s keep in touch.”

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Wrapping it up

It’s tempting to use the “family” metaphor. It feels warm, comforting, and unifying. But to be honest, it sets unrealistic expectations and leads to burnout, guilt, and toxicity.

Instead, let’s build teams where:
✅ Respect matters more than obligation
✅ Boundaries are encouraged, not broken
✅ Accountability is about performance, not loyalty
✅ People leave, and that’s normal

We don’t need to be a family to be a great team. In fact, we’re better without that illusion. When people feel safe, supported, and challenged, without guilt-trips or emotional manipulation, they do their best work.

So let’s drop the “family” talk. Let’s build high-performing, respectful, and resilient teams instead.

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More Resources

1. Netflix culture deck (slide 28) where Reed Hastings, their CEO, talked about family vs teams in 2009.

2. Coinbase is a mission focused company and clearly focuses on building great teams.

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